Brandon's Filthy Filosophies














What makes an otherwise attractive girl suddenly a troll? I won’t say this is something that has long plagued male society because generally we can spot the trolls rather quickly. (They tend to hide under bridges.)

The problem lies in a drasticpersonality shift or severely altered physical trait. Below you will find a list of female fuckups, conveniently compiled by yours truly, a designated spokesman for all men. Let me caveat this by saying that not all of these are deal-breakers—some of them can be temporary, after all...


Physical Fuckups:

- Taking up smoking

- The ever-pleasant aroma of vagisil and other douchey scents

- Addition of lard in the recipe for attraction

- Or the other extreme, not eating (“Bulimia: Twice the taste, none of the calories!”)

- A penis (oh don’t scoff, you prude; you know if you saw a dangler you’d turn tail!)

- Unbrushed, snaggle-, slimy or somehow nasty teeth

- Sudden appearance of a mustache

- Sexually transmitted souvenirs (the clap, babies, etc)



Personality Fuckups:

- A demand for attention with no reciprocation

- A persistent worry that a man is or will soon be doing something wrong (i.e. cheating)

- Resistance to bettering themselves (physically, emotionally, whatever)

- Dating a douchebag, knowing that and yet still failing to drop said douchebag like a used colostomy

- Painful stupidity (often referred to as “ditzy.” See also: “Bieber-fever”)

- Failure to hang around with other hot girls (looking hot by association is quite important and necessary for boyfriends to provide ample opportunities for their friends)

- Dating significantly older dudes (seriously, this is not cool. Ew. Sagging balls. Also, it’s totally ok for guys to go after cougars, by the way)



So what I’m really saying here is that there are some serious offenses that can destroy our motivation to go after (or stay with) a girl that seems pretty. I am, however, not saying that there are likely automatic no-go items that girls see in men. I can think of several reasons why a girl would want to get the hell away from an attractive guy. But that’s for another day. I’m going to go smoke a cigarette, scratch my balls and ass, berate a female on the street and watch some porn.

-Brandon

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