Wednesday, February 16, 2011
Brandon's Filthy Filosophies
"Smell-o-vision sounds like a brilliant idea, but I assure you it's not."
Peeing in public is quite normal. In fact, releasing the fecal demons of Thailand that infiltrated your bowels last night is also normal to do in public. Now, if I take that normalcy and multiply it by the several hundred people that use the bathroom nearest my office every day, I am left with something quite abnormal. Unholy, in truth.
The seance undergone in the bathroom during the first five hours of my day must have conjured up pure evil because when an innocent urge pee came over me, I was confronted with a wall of stench upon opening the door. The dilemma then became whether to climb the obelisk of odor or make the trek to another bathroom.
This was an important decision for the day, because my eyes were burning like I was strolling through the LA riots. Options included a rather clean, less fetid bathroom near a general's office, wherein there are saloon doors and less glamorous and less OK-Corral-ish that required a hike of about twelve stairs. (Flinging open saloon doors makes one feel important when dropping a deuce. It makes one...feel that the world is his spittoon and a wench is owed him.)Oddly, I braved the nerve agent and went back to work.
Next time I'll just use the female bathroom, which is sure to smell of potpourri and night blooming jasmine. I'm glad it's well known that women do not defecate. Or "toot," as they say.