"Jack 'n' Coke" *New segment*

New Year's Dissolutions


 I've set a goal of writing about the difference between resolutions and goals.  Specifically, the generally accepted idea of making resolutions at the start of a new year versus the system of long-term goal setting.

New year's resolutions began in the days of old, when the Babylonians made promises to the gods to forfeit use of their iPods for a day.  Except for, like, that one really dope song.  Typically, they involve one making a grand sacrifice, such as remaining off of Facebook for five minutes, or only illegally downloading a hundred movies per month.  In a study involving roughly three-thousand participants, over eight-eight percent of them claimed to have failed in achieving their resolutions.  Next time, they should resolve to actually crawl out of their swamps of self-pity and actually make a fucking resolution.  Or, preferably, set a long-term goal to do so.  Actually making a resolution lies in the resolving itself.  If you 'make a resolution', but don't actually resolve anything, then a resolution hasn't been made.

Over fifty-five percent of the participants in the study lacked confidence in their ability to achieve their resolutions.  A lack of confidence is always destructive, but understandable when a formidable enough obstacle presents itself during the process, not before you've fucking started it.  Why bother if you intend on sabotaging yourself from the get-go?  Extinguish pre-conceived doubts and fucking do it.  Unless you don't want to, in which case you should shut up.  Unless you're merely claiming to make a resolution to get laid.  Then it's okay.  Everyone does that.

Long-term goal setting is a system that involves establishing Specific, Measurable, Attainable, Realistic and Time-bound objectives, or S.M.A.R.T. objectives -- how adorable is that? -- as opposed to Delusional, Unobtainable, Muddled and Brainless objectives.  If performed properly, the system guarantees success in achieving goals and involves their division into small, attainable ones, the optional incorporation of rewards, establishing deadlines, and creating fail-safe plans to counter both expected and unexpected problems encountered during the process of achieving the goals.  If you actually want to achieve something, why wouldn't you take this route unless you don't truly want to succeed?

Though, if you choose to implement a reward system, use your brain.  If your goal is to shed weight, don't celebrate an afternoon of fasting with a truck of pizzas.  Just vomit every meal until you develop a disorder, like the rest of us.

Resolutions, in the commonly accepted sense, are for cowards.  They're vague.  Non-specific.  True goal achievement considers all of the details.  'Making a resolution' -- again, in the commonly accepted sense -- implies a lack of devotion.  The latter plants an end point in an obscured, far away land, and a mine field between it and you.  The former builds a walkable, sun-drenched path to that point with little checkpoints along the way.  In regard to which of the methods are favorable, where the hell's the debate?  Goal achievement and lack of devotion are incompatible.  If you're the type to 'make resolutions' over setting attainable goals, I suggest you take a full-winded sprint into an actual mine field for the benefit of us all.  Try and detonate several at once while you're out there so there's nothing left to identify you once the dust has settled.  Why claim to resolve something that you don't want to resolve?  Unless, again, you're claiming such to get laid.  Totally understandable.

You want one crazy trick for success in goal achievement?  Learn to manage your emotions.  One weird, old trick!  That's great, isn't it?  'Weird and old'.  One of those precious nuggets of information handed down through the ages, from civilization to civilization, and your hair is blown back as it's mumbled gravelly into your ear by a century-old sensai on his deathbed, sworn to secrecy throughout his life and threatened with torturous death.  Keep it on the down-low, they'll hunt me down and slaughter me like cattle if they find out that I told you.  They, the space warlocks, from the immense neon planet shaped like the head of a tyrannosaurus rex at the center of the universe.  I'll be writing one day, have my brains blown out by a ray gun and slump onto the keyboard with a finger holding down the key for my last typed characterrrrrrrrrrr

If you can't manage your emotions, you don't get shit done.  If one should seek to achieve any goal, first and foremost it should be to gain that ability.  Then boom, you're golden.  Just make sure it's not a resolution.


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